Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Nearly 32 weeks (a really boring post)

I'm going to apologize in advance for this post. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and need to get them down. So, it might be really boring, but that's okay; it's for me.

I am almost thirty-two weeks along with this pregnancy. The thumping in my ear is now louder than ever. I just got back from a doctor checkup and he looked in my ear, saying it was perfectly clear. The only explanation he had, and anyone else has come up with, is the increased blood volume during pregnancy. Last night I had to go to the bathroom at three in the morning, and of course I did a mental rundown of everything I had going on today, which made me think about the doctor appointment, and that made me wonder all the possibilities for this weird thumping. Then the horrible thought occurred to me that it could be a tumor in my head, pressing on a blood vessel. Then I spent the next hour and a half fretting, worrying, and crying about what would happen if I had cancer. Would I have to deliver the baby early to go through chemo? Who would take care of my children, and potty train Anna, and get Lee to school? Then the even worse thought came to me--what if I died? What if I couldn't hold my kids every day any more? What if I couldn't raise this baby and watch her learn to walk? What if I couldn't teach Annalisa any more songs? What if I missed my son's graduation from high school (or even Kindergarten)? What if... what if... what if... I had myself completely worked into a tizzy when my sobs finally woke Cody up (sorry again, sweetheart) and he actually laughed at my worries. He rubbed my back and promised me everything would be okay, and thumping in the ear is hardly something to worry about--especially during the third trimester of a pregnancy, when practically anything can happen to your body and the only explanation you'll get is "you're pregnant!" I kept repeating to myself "It'll be okay. It's nothing. It's not cancer. I'm not dying." until I finally fell back asleep around five in the morning. So, needless to say, it wasn't my favorite night, and the doctor's lack of knowledge wasn't the biggest comfort to me... I wish they would say "Oh, it's THIS." But, I will have to make do with vague explanations until it either gets worse or better. For now, I'm going to bank everything on the increased blood flow explanation, and try to get over this horrible feeling of dread and doubt.

MEANWHILE... I am trying to get ready for baby's arrival. Now that Cody's birthday has passed, my mental count-down has shrunk by one big event. I'm just down to my birthday, and then baby! Also, since I know the hardest time is going to be the last few weeks of pregnancy and not necessarily the first few weeks after birth, I am trying to prepare for that. I have been freezing meals whenever I get a chance. Right now in the freezer I have: Ham and funeral potatoes, 3 pans of lasagna (one chicken and spinach, two regular meat), shepherd's pie (the good kind), enchiladas, tortellini, and Japanese Curry. I also really want to get a big stash of breakfasts in there, like french toast and pancakes that can be toasted and eaten. I love french toast... mmmm.....

Anna is still working on potty training, and unfortunately, I feel like I'm holding her back. I am losing energy and strength fast, and it is so hard to keep up with her like is required for potty training. I think I might try some plastic pants, though. I've heard they really contain the mess... which is the #1 reason why I haven't done more on the potty training front. The mess. I simply can't get down and scrub carpet all day. Anyway.

As I get closer to the birth of this baby, I've been getting more and more nervous about having three kids. I really think it is because of my diminishing energy. I am worried I can't do three right NOW. But I have to remember that once this baby is out, I won't be pregnant any more. I'll feel a lot better! Well, other than being sore...

So that is that. I apologize again. If you actually read this post, thanks. I hope you all have a great week!

4 comments:

Laurie/Mom/Grandma said...

I'm sorry I haven't been here for you as I should. I know it will get better.

Raychel said...

Things can get so crazy. I want to guess what it is. I think it's a viral infection that is building unseen mucus in the back of your ear, nose and throat. The built up pressure is causing pain that is amplified by blood flow in the ear.

And to imagine you've been blessing my life so much these past many days. Thank you for watching my kids so Paul and I could pretend to go to the temple, and such, and pretty much everything inbetween.

Angeli said...

When I am worried and I can't sleep I count my blessings instead of sheep. That was my Dad's singing. I hope things get better. I am so glad you were so nice to Cody on his birthday. I can not wait to see you again. You all are changing so fast. Anna's videos are so cute.

*kare* said...

You make me laugh! I bet having 3 is going to be a blast. You are going to be great and do a great job with 3. You are already a wonderful mom so you have nothing to worry about! I need your recipes for those meals. I need to get some frozen for when I go back to work. How long do you think they are good for?