I just freaked out. In less than 2 days, I will have this baby. I will be the mother of three children.
I think first I should back up. I haven't mentioned these feelings nearly as often as I have felt them; I have been very stressed during this pregnancy. From the beginning, getting sick, having to move (and all the emotional distress that caused), and just the general dread of completing everything I need to with three kids... yikes! As much as I want three children, and as much as I love little Katie already, I have been very wary, very nervous, and ultimately, scared.
I've been grateful the past few weeks for my discomfort. Yes, that sounds very strange. But if I'm uncomfortable, it is a reminder how much I don't want to be pregnant any more. And that gears me up for labor and delivery and then--worry of all worries--being a mother of three. My biggest fear is how I'm going to get Lee to preschool each morning and home in the afternoon. It requires two outings daily, the first at eight am. Lee's preschool is a 20 minute drive away. With a nursing baby? Very little sleep? *gulp.* Nobody else can do it for me, either. I live too far away from other students to carpool, and Cody works in the mornings. And crazy me, it took until just now, as I'm writing this, to realize that I can come home and nap the day away. (which is EXACTLY what I plan to do now! Ha!)
But back to my feelings of worry and dread. They've been compounding with the fear of labor and delivery. Since Annalisa's birth, I've convinced myself that my body simply doesn't know how to start labor. But, the past month or so, I've been feeling stronger and stronger that I want to try my best to do this labor and delivery without an epidural. But I've been too nervous to even admit it out loud.
Today I called my sister Kathy and asked her for some advice and reassurance. In case you don't know, a month ago she delivered a beautiful baby boy--10 pounds!--without pain medication. I'm so proud of her. So I wanted to know everything I could. Her advice was awesome--thanks again Kathy! And I realized that the thing that I've been dwelling on--my fear--is going to be my downfall. I need to release this fear and embrace my calling as a woman and a mother with all its bumps and bruises and general toughness. But not pain. Pressure, intensity, tears; but it is not a painful thing to be a mother. It is natural. It is taxing. But it is not painful. And it is Beautiful.
Even after my great talk with Kathy, and even though my nerves about the L&D were comforted, she couldn't give me advice on three kids. So I talked to Cody about it tonight at dinner. That's when I really lost it. Cody has been working lots and lots of hours. He's got two jobs now a days, and we get very precious little time with him. How in the world can I do three kids without my husband by my side? How can I do Labor and Delivery, when we hardly talk any more?
Cody is an amazing man. He truly is. He held my hands and rubbed my back and reminded me how excited he is to have another child. We both are. Katie will be such a great addition to our family. And that needs to be my focus right now. The house may fall apart. Lee might be late to preschool one day (or more). But we are starting a new life. That is amazing. Simply, utterly, and profoundly amazing. Heavenly Father trusted this task to me, and He has confidence in me. Cody has confidence in me.
And finally, I understood: I have confidence in me. Every part of the woman's body is built to have and raise babies. We are powerful, special, and sacred creatures. To compound it, the birth of a baby is one of the most sacred experiences...nay, THE most sacred experience on the planet. To bring a new spirit into the world--it simply cannot be topped. This is a wonderful, amazing thing about to happen. And I am thrilled that I get to be a part of it.
So now, I am feeling a very good emotional balance. I am ready to be a mother again. I am ready to be a mother of three. I am excited for this change. I want to do my best to connect with my body and my baby--hopefully without medication--but I am able to make that choice for myself. I have strength and confidence in myself and my body. I can do this. I am amazing!
Thanks to all of you, for sticking with me through this pregnancy and being such a great support system. Baby Katie, let's get you out!